Rhyming couplets that pop music needs to stop using

 

Girl/World

Notable Offenders: Rihanna, Bruno Mars, every RnB artist from the late 90s/early 00s

Let's say you have a special lady friend - your 'girl', if you will. How do you let her know how special she is? Tell her she's the greatest girl you know? No, that implies that she's the best of a select few, and that there are better women than her out there. How about the greatest girl in the city/town/administrative district? Too small. How about the world? Yeah! The world! Then all she has to worry about is extraterrestrial-extramarital affairs, and with fuel prices as they are, only Bill Gates and the Sultan of Brunei have the means to go questing for interstellar poon-tang.

The logic behind this rhyming couplet is water-tight, but it needs to stop. Yes, 'girl' is an affectionate term, if not a tad belittling with a smattering of paedophilic intent. And yes, not much rhymes with girl, but the two together have been used far too much to all say the same thing. At least Justin Timberlake made a valiant effort to shake things up by asking his 'girl' to 'give it a whirl' – not to mention the fact that he used two words that actually rhyme. Alas, this half-rhyme doesn't look to be going away anytime soon.

Suggested alternatives

Why not tell your girl that you'd like to give her some pearls?

Or, tell your miss that she's the greatest in the diocese?

 

Serious/Delirious

Notable Offenders: Vistoso Bosses, Chico

I shall not insult you by explaining what delirious means, however, someone should probably insult the music industry and inform them what it means (“severe confusion and disorientation”). At the moment, artists use it in order to describe being head-over-heels in love – as in Vistoso Bosses' case “ You make me delirious”, or, which seems to be more often, when they can't think of anything else that rhymes with “serious”, as in Chico's case.

In actual fact, serious and delirious are two states that rarely mingle – one could say that they are almost opposites. Actually, fuck it, they are opposites. It is physically impossible to be both serious and delirious. In fact, the only time the words should be coupled in a song is during a duet between a man who has returned, extremely dehydrated, from wandering in the desert and his doctor – and it should go something like this:

Man: There's treasure/ghosts/something fantastical in that desert, I'm serious!

Doctor: Just ignore him, he's delirious.

Suggested alternatives

If you want to let them know just how serious you are, reinforce the fact by telling them you are also imperious (it's a word!).

If you're actually delirious, you're probably unable to form a rhyming couplets, so just shine on you crazy diamond!

Hands/arms/other extremities in the air/ Just don't care

Notable Offenders: Outkast, Florence and the Machine, lazy songwriters

Before this rant begins, Florence and the Machine deserve a special mention because they were the only artist I could think of who hasn't used this couplet in the context of 'putting your hands like you just don't care'. So well done to them, but also, shame on them for using this, the most overused rhyming couplet in song-writing history.

I don't know about most people, but I don't think it's possible to put one's hands in the air like you don't care. You care enough to raise your arms out of their default position - hanging comfortably at your sides, and keep them raised. Maybe it means 'like you just don't care about the people in the club/at the concert surrounding you'; carelessly waving your arms around your head with reckless abandon whilst squashed in a small room with a hundred other people certainly falls into the definition of 'putting your hands in the air like you just don't care...about other people's well-being'.

Suggested alternatives

If you want everyone in the room to raise their hands, why not say 'Put your hands in the air/as if you're Hitler, mein herr'.

Alternatively, as the above suggestion could land you a jail sentence in certain countries, it might be better to just abandon the hope of legions of worshipping fans with their arms raised in salute to you. Though if that's your aim, the preceding lyrical suggestion might be perfect for you.