It’s an exciting time to be alive; our modern age has seen technology advance at its most rapid pace in all of human history and globalisation has made the world a much smaller, and more peaceful, place. Twenty years ago our forefathers would never have dreamed that smartphones and 3D TV were just around the corner, why would they? It was a simpler time, a time when Russia was still applying Sudocrem to its derriere after getting its ass thoroughly kicked in the Cold War, and a time when Kurt Cobain was the hottest new thing around. Should a woman, provided that Stockholm Syndrome has finally kicked in, ever agree to mate with me, I often wonder how to properly explain to my offspring the significance of this period and the importance of one man’s story to an entire generation growing up during the 90s.
The following conversation takes place in the year 2029 between my progeny and myself.
Me: Come over here son.
Lando Kent (henceforth known as LK): What is it pops?
Me: It’s about time that I had a very important talk with you.
LK: Is it about where babies come from?
Me: Now Lando, you know that that’s what Youporn is for. No, I want to talk to you about something that’s very precious to me. Do you know who Will Smith is?
LK: Of course, Will Smith and his spawn are responsible for over 60% of box office receipts in this era, the not-too-distant future.
Me: You have learned much my child, but do you know where Will Smith came from?
LK: Well some say that he was created in a lab run by Scientologists, others that he is the lovechild of L. Ron Hubbard and John Travolta.
Me: What? How is that even possible? I knew sending you to a religious school would be a mistake, especially one named after Tom Cruise! No son, Will Smith was originally a rapper who was part of a musical duo with DJ Jazzy Jeff.
LK: You mean President DJ Jazzy Jeff?!?
Me: Haha, yeah. None of us saw that coming. Anyway, Will Smith garnered enough fame to land the lead in a sitcom called ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ where he played a young man called ‘Will Smith’.
LK: Truly one of the world’s greatest living actors…
Me: Now this ‘Will Smith’ was from West Philadelphia, born and raised. On the playground was where he spent most of his days…
(You can see where this is going, and frankly this joke has been done to death so I’m just going to go ahead and skip typing out the theme tune – it’s not like any of you don’t know the words!)
LK: Holy cow!
Me: Don’t swear son.
LK: Sorry, I mean: Fucking hell!
Me: Much better. See? Manners are their own reward.
LK: What happened next?
Me: Well, once Will arrived in Bel-Air he met his Aunt Vivian, played by some no-name, his cousins Ashley and Hilary, also played by no-names, his other cousin Carlton, played by Alfonso Ribeiro.
LK: Who?
Me: Exactly. And his Uncle Phil – played by James Avery.
LK: I don’t know who any of these people are.
Me: Come on! James Avery! You know, Uncle Phil!
LK: No, I have no idea who Uncle Phil is. You just started telling me about this TV show three minutes ago.
Me: You know who he is. Big black guy.
LK: James Earl Jones?
Me: No! James Avery! He voiced shredder in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
LK: Teenage mutant ninja what now?
Me: He was in the Brady Bunch Movie.
LK: What?
Me: Ok, fair enough on that one.
LK: No offence dad, but this show sounds lame. Barely anybody famous was in it.
Me: It’s not about the big names; it’s about the story!
LK: Ok then, what was the story?
Me: Well basically, Will lived with his rich cousins and hilarity ensued.
LK: That’s it?
Me: No, well. There was this one where they played pool and Uncle Phil bailed them out. And this other one where Will was going to get married but he didn’t. And-
LK: I’m going to go outside and played on my hoverboard.
Me: But I haven’t told you about the best part! Whenever Jazzy Jeff was in an episode he’d always say something stupid, and Uncle Phil would throw him out of the house and he’d go ‘AHHHHH!’.
LK: Bye.
On second thought, maybe it’s better that we don’t tell our children about the Fresh Prince. They won’t understand. They weren’t there when it all happened. They don’t know what it’s like being in a room full of people, saying ‘Iiiiiinnn West Philadelphia…’ and having everyone join in. It’s ours - and maybe we should keep it that way. So I beseech you: if you have children, or ever have them, don’t show them the Fresh Prince, don’t force it on them. Let them have their own iconic TV show to enjoy – and let the few who do watch the Fresh Prince act like pretentious douchebags because they watch an outdated TV show that no one cares about anymore. That is what being a good parent is all about.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them.
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