Well, the votes are in and Ben Affleck has been announced as
our new silent guardian, our watchful protector…our Dark Knight. If you
imagined an ominous score by Hans Zimmer playing during that last sentence you
get bonus points. The Internet is currently exploding with nerd-rage over this
casting choice, with many saying that Ben Affleck will do to the Batman
franchise what, well, Joel Schumacher did to the Batman franchise. Ruin it.
Though probably sans Batsuit-nipples – the world has seen enough of
those.
Sadly, the Internet has given a voice to all those people
who fear to tread outside of their parents’ basement in case of running into
bullies or direct sunlight, and as such, the blogosphere is jam-packed with alternate
casting suggestions. My basement flooded the other day, so I’m posting this
from my living room – which means my opinions are infinitely more valid than
aforementioned cellar-dwellers, so I’ve come up with some alternatives of my
own.
Be warned, spoilers from the Nolan trilogy may crop up. So
if you haven’t seen them all, get out from under your rock and experience the cinematic sensation of the decade.
Okay, watched them? Good. You're welcome.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Casting JGL would have provided a nice continuity between
the new film and Nolan’s trilogy; sadly, Christopher Nolan announced he wanted
nothing to do with anymore Batman films and Christian Bale has said if the
Nol-man ain’t getting stuck in, he’s out (paraphrased slightly). This
means JGL would be the best hope of tying the trilogy and the new film together
– unless of course Michael Caine fancies squeezing into the Batsuit (which I,
personally, would love to see. Him in the Batsuit, that is, not him squeezing
into it. Though come to think of it, I wonder what type of underwear Michael
Caine wears…).
An issue remains however, and that is that JGL is Robin.
Even if he gains 50 pounds of muscle and growls like cookie monster, in our
minds he will still be Robin. And whilst the women of the world would no doubt
love to see JGL cart wheeling about in forest-green hot pants, Robin rarely
makes the jump to live action successfully. Just ask Burt Ward, who spent his
early twenties capering around with Adam West. Or ask Chris O’Donnell – who is
Chris O’Donnell you ask? Exactly. Robin is a ridiculous character, which is why
he turned into Nightwing. And sure as the Pope is Catholic, if JGL comes back
as Batman everyone will start whining that he should be playing Nightwing,
because the nerds of the internet love to complain about shit that has no
bearing on the real world.
Gerard Butler
This is one name I’ve seen floating about the Internet quite
a bit as an alternative to Ben Affleck, and it’s not hard to see why. This
barrel-chested Scotsman has the build for Batman, and he can definitely pull of
action-movie hero. Though his 12-pack in 300 was computer generated,
just like everything else in that damned movie, he nevertheless seems like
someone you don’t want to get on the wrong side of.
But James, you nasally whine whilst sucking on your inhaler
(NERD!), he may be tough, but can he pull off Bruce Wayne? Batman is gruff and
silent, but during daylight hours he’s charming and erudite. Well, nerds of the
Internet, considering that when Butler’s not starring in action movies, he does
trashy romantic comedies, I’d say yes, he can pull off charming. Though, to be
honest, I haven’t watched any of them myself. Seriously, did anyone even SEE The
Bounty Hunter? Jennifer Aniston just needs to stop…
Ray Stevenson
My own personal choice. I mean, just LOOK at that jaw. He is Batman. Ray
Stevenson won our hearts playing Titus Pullo in Rome – a man equal parts
amicable and Batshit insane – just like Batman. Plus he seems to be about nine
feet tall and I’ve heard he can breathe fire. Whilst this may sound like fanboy
gushing (and it is!), I can’t think of a better choice. Sadly, his name isn’t
exactly a huge box-office draw, and he lacks the star-power of Ben Affleck –
but this could have been his breakthrough role! Damn you Hollywood!
And though he’s already played the Punisher, and Volstagg in
Thor, might I remind you that Ben Affleck was Daredevil (which,
in and of itself, might be the greatest argument against casting him).
Therefore crossing the DC/Marvel DMZ isn’t an issue here, unless Marvel/Disney
expressly forbade Stevenson from going for the role, which they may have done,
as Thor 2: Electric Boogaloo is coming out soon.
So maybe other people would have been more suited to
the role. Ben Affleck might not be the strongest or biggest guy. He may not
even be the best actor around (not by a longshot!), but maybe he could be a
hero. Not the one we need right now, but the one we deserve…
